Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
