Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
