Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
