Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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