Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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