EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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