I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
