Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
