I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
