god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
