wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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