ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
