Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you had me at cake vodka
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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