so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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