Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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