Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
