apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
