i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
