Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
