Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
