i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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