My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
