Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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