She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
