Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
