at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
