I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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