Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
