For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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