At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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