Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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