I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
did i just pee glitter
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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