I want you more than these girls want KFC
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
