And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
