Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
These tits shall not be calmed
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
