Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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