i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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