we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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