he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
