I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
