WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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