well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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