Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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