my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
