I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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