I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
