why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
