Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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