i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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