i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
