please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
