I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I believe in your delicious
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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