i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
