i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Randomize
