I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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