i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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